The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
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why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”
– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.