Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

[at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no

I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here

normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”

big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”

exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”

galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis

My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.

I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break

I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.

*performs CPR on the turkey*

He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”

*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?

Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.

(Not mine, but very lovely)

I’d rather fork than spoon.

[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work

One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.

*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*

Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over

I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.

priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]

“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”

this sign has the same social anxiety i have

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”

ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?

I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.