The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
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I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Haha good job!!
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now