The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
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Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.