Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.

Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.

Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.

At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.

Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?

Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*

I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.

Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?

Hey, is that guy dead?

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶

The cake is mightier than the sword.

Wife: Give me $50

Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy

W: Eh?

M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers

W: IDIOT

M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!

W: I despise you

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE

twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.

Her: come over

Me: are your parents home?

Her: no 😉

Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!

I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.

“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments

I PASSED THE BAR!

On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!

HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain

I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.

people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE

really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context

devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?

Me: Working, “we” are working.

Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim

Kid: Even Jesus?

Mom: Of course

Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.

I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming