The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
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Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel