The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
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INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:
Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
True
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
When you put it that way… 😂
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
me: will you please pass the bee barf?
wife: please stop calling the honey that.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies