The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
No, he would not have.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
also my go-to takeaway order
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
this is literally a CIA plant
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list