The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
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Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?