The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
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Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Vaping must feel incredible, because NOBODY thinks it looks cool.
out-housing market appears to be strong
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait