Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”

-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”

It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.

They should make a moral fiber supplement

Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA

Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*

A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*

A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*

A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*

A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mE

A: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd

Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?

I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol

Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?

bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M

Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year

Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board

Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.

I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.

met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No

My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.

My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.

Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”

Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.

I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.