Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

banana peels are my favorite fall accessories

me: i wish i could have sex before i die

genie: granted

me: [873 years old] motherfu

*at the vet*

me: my new cat won’t stop hissing

vet: ma’am this is a cockroach

me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off

After hand washing your cat, put up to dry

Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”

I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.

Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?

Me: “Cadbury eggs.”

a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people

Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.

You’re an adult. You can do what you want.

Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.

thanks auntie mary

I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car

I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.

My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️

[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.

Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.

I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”

We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain

Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it

Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?

Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it

Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”

Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.

robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest

A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.

My patience has stretch marks.