“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
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*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
yall want some gasoline milk
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”