The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
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Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.