The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
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Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
me when i see my girls butt
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school