The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
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A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Voting is the worst group project
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
🤣
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
Unexpected Judgment
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.