Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.

[12 seconds later]

“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”

Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway

me: what’s your sign

chef: spisces

If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold

When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.

Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon

I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.

Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

[first date]

Her: I love cats

Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*

Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now

Woman: Okay but still, what the hell

Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror

Boss: you’re late

Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court

Boss: I hate you

can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets

“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”

Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own

girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!

[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.

Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”

“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator

Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.

Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over

🤨

Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:

My husband got me flowers!

I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework

I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry

I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies

I just gave my cat a bath.

Your move Satan.

The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell

If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room

Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that