Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this

The Jaws theme stays on during sex.

Wife: “Notice anything?”

Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”

Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”

Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?

I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.

Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund

I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special

Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago

[ DURING SEX ]

Me: Who’s a bad hand!?

“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate

my dad: [rising up from behind couch]

the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf

*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*

gf: I wanna break up

*flops stomach out*

me: finally

soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird

[in the woods]

Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*

Deer: I have a boyfriend

doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day

also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week

If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.

If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?

Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.

Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.

ME:

THERAPIST: ok?

Me: would that make you happy?

wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house

Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.

What’s white & falls from the sky?

“The coming of the Lord.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.

Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-

~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks

Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen

My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket