the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
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Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
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When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
My love language is deader than Latin