Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.

my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out

I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

Me: My body is a temple

Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?

Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus

I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets

Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord

Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money

cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft

me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?

cop:

4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!

Me: What’s her name?

4: I don’t remember.

To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar

Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.

“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

[first day as a 911 operator]

guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!

me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh

When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.

Meet my wife, the dream killer.

WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?

Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*

Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.

When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before

[at the bar]

Me: Let’s settle this like men

Him: *pulls out knife*

Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

Cat or sheep

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?

[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.

I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”

‘Bob, that’s a cat.’