the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
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[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Waiting for the Charmin
Support your local cemetery
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too