Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.

“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.

Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.

I’m not homophobic, I love my house!

Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees

🎵 I can’t wait to

Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*

Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”

Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.

*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*

Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder

I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.

My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.

People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.

spot the difference

You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread

– the inventor of croutons

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up

Me: oh honey…you have no idea

Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.

If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?

The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?

There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.

Tree:

Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house

Tree: oh no

Tree Doctor: you have humans

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!

My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!

Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.