The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
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[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Me, flirting😏
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.