The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
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My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!