The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
You Might Also Like
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Jogging has never helped my memory.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”