The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
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Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Raised as a Catholic which meant a weekly trip to church to confess my sins. Aged 7, I was walking to church & just could not think of any sins I’d done. Wondered idly what’d happen if I confessed to murder? Got there. Confessed to murder. Much consternation. Bloody brilliant.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Green is just blue that someone peed in
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.