The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
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This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.