Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: I use bad words

Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here

Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear

The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.

There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.

[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.

“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect

Netflix: Are you still there?

Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?

Selfie

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.

I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.

Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.

Maybe they can carry me home.

Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: yay!

God: you have a very long neck.

Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?

God: uh-sure.

Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!

God: no-

Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.

God:

Giraffe: feels like 72 : )

just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise

Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.

[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]

ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.

[What I think he saw]

Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.

[What he actually saw]

Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.

Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.

Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?

Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.

Husband praying mantis: I have a headache

Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?

*later walking home*

Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies

Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me

Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then

I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.

Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.

“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”

[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.

I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:

What food is rotting in the office kitchen?