Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.

Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!

Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh

formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing

I will do some shady shit for a mocha.

Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!

“Wow, that’s great!”

~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space

He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?

I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.

the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”

Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason

Local Thai place no longer suffering fools

Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer

[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”

[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

Every photo I’m tagged in

Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.

Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!

Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.

The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg

At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……

[driving to occult ceremony]

“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”

[2 hours later]

[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER

Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist

kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that

If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!

[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that

6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?

Me:

6: I like it

Me: It’s mistletoe son

Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that