Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”

you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve

On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..

How hung over are you?

How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car

[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]

Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?

Just a paranormal pants.

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.

Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night

In my will, when I die…

To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids

i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name

I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.

Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.

MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.

Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.

my new hobby

creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people

– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.

*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*