The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
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DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.
Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.
All set.
