The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
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The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Erm I’m gonna say no
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*