The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
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Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
Your secret is safeish with me
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise