The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
You Might Also Like
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?