The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
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Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.