Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir

BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀

Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”

It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12

Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.

Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks

me: for lent i’m giving up kids

kids: what?

me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God

Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?

~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.

Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.

idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul

Optometrist: please stop talking

Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?

Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job

Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?

Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.

13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is serendipity.

me: can you use it in a sentence.

judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.

I…do not understand how electricity works.

I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”

idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭

Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts

When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.

If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

*mutes Coronavirus*

*Twitter disappears*

Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown