The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
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He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Kids: Stay in school.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!