The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
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My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
out-housing market appears to be strong
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
