The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
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Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
🤣dope
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.