Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts

Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.

[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage

my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-

Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!

Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”

Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut

You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.

It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”

This will never not be funny 😭

[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.

According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.

Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.

Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.

I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.

It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis

[outpost in the Arctic Circle]

“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”

BOSS: The days last 6 months here

“Sonofa…”

SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!

ME: Grandma?

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton

My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.

That was easy.

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.

Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.

Me:

told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life

“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.