The USS B port
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Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
This bar smells like my childhood.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
So many people to disappoint, so little time
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.