the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
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I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
We made a comic about a space heater.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.