Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra

Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!

A huge thanks to the person that did this

if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed

Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?

Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.

“Will.he.was”

-Will.i.am’s tombstone

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.

It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.

My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.

lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down

Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.

Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School

a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering

No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.

So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.

When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.

Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.

My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.

When the skirt was invented women only had one leg

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”

Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.

[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.