The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
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[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄
one week till the election
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!