Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt

[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this

When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.

Meet my wife, the dream killer.

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

Man: a pack of condoms please.

Cashier: would you like a paper bag?

Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.

When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.

That’s the moment you wish you had kids.

Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.

I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.

The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…

-My best pickup line

The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.

Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out

GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?

one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”

coworker: you should try my therapist

me: i’ve seen their work no thanks

Me: How are you?

Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?

Me: I can and do.

I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today

Traffic fantasy:

– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me

Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.

Rude much 😂😂😂

If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.