The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
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My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Sign at work today
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
“what’s it like having a sister?”
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now