Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.

What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?

One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.

I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name

ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?

my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.

It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.

Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day

Me: What have you written so far?

13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”

M: Good opener.

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*

[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*

The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.

The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.

roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”

excuse me

I put the “pro” in inappropriate

I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.

thug: do you have a gram

drug dealer: yeah

grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit

“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.