The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
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My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
I’ve disappointed better people.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists