The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
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Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles