The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
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Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search
1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)