The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
You Might Also Like
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Are we there yet?…
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
I unironically love this joke.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Maths meets science
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
can’t catch a break
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY