The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
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I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
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People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.