Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.

Me: I’ll drink to that!

Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”

“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”

It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic

BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.

You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.

I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”

Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong

My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT

Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!

Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?

Me:

Son:

Me: There are only 2 things to fear

I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt

The year twenty five😃
will bring us all the pie🥧
will bring us all the pie🎼🥁
(gets pie in the face)

Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind

Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?

Whitesnake: Not you

My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

I’m going bananas!

*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.

My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.

Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.

Their Arch enemy, you might say.

I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught

I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.

Me: *Eating eggs*

Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting