Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)

January 2020: New year, new me.

May 2020: *primal scream*

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?

Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.

Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost

Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator

Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.

If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.

Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]

doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies

wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”

Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

[ping pong]

ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time

Jane: I miss England

Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids

Pikachu found the lost joint

Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?

This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people

Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.

Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.