The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
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I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
They got a point!
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.