The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
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relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
A short story of betrayal:
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
looks legit
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”