the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
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Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”
That’s no way to run a business, is it?
Presumably it’s a non-executive role.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”
hamburger doesn’t need your help.