The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
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dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
She was REALLY feeling it.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.