The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
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Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
No one can handle that
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.