The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
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If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.