Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*launders Kohls cash*

The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.

Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.

Netflix and awkward silence?

I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it

My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!

~ My dog every time I use a broom

My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.

WTF. I was looking right at her.

Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?

Siri: I’m not sure I understand

i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic

my mom: fix this for me

also my mom: no, not like that

still my mom: it’s not working

mom: wait it is now

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.

What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.

–my dog

[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck

“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.

it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you

“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.