Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You have been warned.

My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down

My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life

One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!

Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.

A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.

Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing 🙂

Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.

Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.

Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….

…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis

me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—

whoville 911: what was that

me: the grinch robbed me

whoville 911: no the weird part

I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it

Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.

girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”

Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?

I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.

* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*

My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.

To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.

I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”

tree: morning

me: oh hey

tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro

me: [exhales on tree]

tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff

THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.

ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.

I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?

men’s fashion peaked in 1838

Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!

Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.