Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons

I pan fried chicken tonight.

On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad

[fancy restaurant]

me: this has a fine oaky taste

sommelier: sir is eating the cork

Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You… just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)

Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.

Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.

*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?

Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.

no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping

Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves

The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing

so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?

me:

taco:

me:

taco:

me: he’s shy.

hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla

Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]

6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!

Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!

6yo: yeah ri-

Me: [collapses]

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*

Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*

dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩‍⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️‍♀️👶

In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.

Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.

I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”

Then when people ask me what it means…

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.