The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
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Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.