The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
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They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”Actually I just wanna check the court websites
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.