The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
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Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile
Then walk into a wall
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
🙁
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband