The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
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10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
having children is a pyramid scheme.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then