The vet this morning gave the dogs a bit of peanut butter while they had their check-ups and shots. Was it wrong that I asked for some when I paid the bill?
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Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
asking santa clause for nudes
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.