The vet this morning gave the dogs a bit of peanut butter while they had their check-ups and shots. Was it wrong that I asked for some when I paid the bill?
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I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
“oh, i didn’t expect to see you here” i say to the work i left for myself to complete after the holidays
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.