The vet this morning gave the dogs a bit of peanut butter while they had their check-ups and shots. Was it wrong that I asked for some when I paid the bill?
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Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Introverted vegans go meetless
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Feels like there should be a middle ground
whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air