The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
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The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
A choir of Spring onions
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes