The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
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I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.