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Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.