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Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
You are not alone 💚
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.