Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.

Me [on fire]: HOW

What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

Last-minute gift idea!

I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal

In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.

When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.

[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?

[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.

If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..

[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died

“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!

~Poprah

Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.

Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…

Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.

If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car

Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail

Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

Don’t we all.

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him

My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.

Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.